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We had met a few weeks earlier through a Stanford student group. He was quiet and broad-shouldered.
I liked him right away. I was thunderstruck.
This obsession felt impossible to share, so I was always hungry for cues that someone could relate. I had long assumed my life partner would share my kink. At 17, I met my first boyfriend while living abroad. His question took my breath away, and our next 18 months were essentially an extension of that first electrified moment. By the time we broke up, I had come to accept that a shared fetish was a necessary part of any future relationship. I was disappointed, but it was too late: I had already fallen in love with him.
My dilemma was clear: how could I describe my desires to David when I could hardly confess them to myself? Even popular books and movies link erotic spanking to severe psychological trauma. So what is a nice girl who also happens to love being spanked supposed to think? More pressingly, what is she supposed to say to her brand-new boyfriend?
But it seemed like a safe first step. Over the last decade it has become fashionable in certain millennial circles to announce an interest in bondage or other forms of sadomasochism. The implications are often tame: A couple buys handcuffs, experiments with hot wax, and tosses in the occasional spanking. While there is a strong erotic element to my kink, sex is merely a side dish to the more absorbing entree of the spanking itself.
A few playful swats during sex seem fun, while serious spankings seem damaged and perverse. After years of pretending I was interested only in the occasional erotic swat, I finally had to admit it to myself: Although spankings do satisfy a strong sexual need, they satisfy an equally strong psychological one. In the vast majority, though, both characters are men, have a platonic relationship, and no sex or romanticism is involved.
This paradox — that my kink is simultaneously sexual and asexual — is one of its most frustrating and intriguing aspects. My kink developed early. AsI pored over any book that mentioned spanking, paddling or thrashing. Tom Sawyer went through many re, as did — believe it or not — key dictionary entries.
When my best friend and I wrote short stories together, I exorcised my nascent fantasies by subjecting our characters to ritualized, punitive beatings. But when I started college and got my first personal computer, everything changed. In online anonymity I found a community that shared my interest and insecurities. I just wanted a forum to express my otherwise unexpressible side. Online strangers satisfied my desire for community and understanding — almost.
And I stopped feeling like a freak — almost. I often tried to pinpoint the origins of my obsession. Many of my childhood friends experienced some form of corporal punishment and emerged into adulthood unburdened with daily thoughts on the subject. For a few months, I buried myself in physiological explanations for why someone might enjoy being spanked.
Pain causes an endorphin rush, which can be pleasurable. The process also causes blood to rush to the pelvic region, which mimics sexual arousal. Eventually, I gave up. It was exhausting and depressing to try to justify my obsession. The solution, I realized, had been sleeping next to me for almost six years. But how could I ever express it all — my history, insecurities, secrets and hopes? And as I translated my feelings and memories into these words, I took control of a desire that has controlled me for most of my life.
I felt comfortable, confident — even celebratory. For about three days. Then ancient insecurities, as they always do, crept back. In our different ways, we all just want honesty and intimacy, right? Or uncomfortable.
I always share my writing with David, and this time would be no different. As he read eachI felt the clicks of a dozen doors closing behind me. And there is nothing wrong with your paragraph structure.
Fashion Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish. He started tickling me.
The relationship was doomed. Almost, I decided, would have to be enough.Do you love a good spanking
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Why Do People Love to Be Spanked During Sex?